New Story....2

The dark motel room reeks of cigarette smoke and musty newspapers. The curtains are drawn, only to allow the mercury vapor colored illumination that covered the parking lot, to stream through a small slit, making a line on the dark colored carpet. Next to the queen sized bed, the nightstand held the digital clock and the standard Bible that is in every hotel and motel room. Beer bottles shared the space with the glasses of the occupant of the room. They are small wire framed glasses, those reminiscent of the 1800s.

The man lying in the bed, still in his clothes, was tossing. He finally sat up, unable to sleep, and ran his hands through his hair. With a deep sigh, he turned and planted his feet on the floor. His boots, the black motorcycle type, were still on. The blue jeans he wore were tattered and torn at the knees. A dingy white t-shirt covered the top of him. His hair was long, dark and curly. The stubble on his face was 2 days old. He placed his hands on the bed, and with a grunt, slowly stood. As he steadied himself, he paused, slowly turned and walked into the small bathroom. Leaning over the sink, he slowly looked up into the mirror. Seeing his bloodshot eyes, his frazzled hair and the growth on his face, he felt as though he was at his lowest he had ever been. He scratched his face. With a deep sigh, he turned and disrobed. The shower came on, steam filling both rooms.
****
As the sun started to rise, he walked out to the office, room key in one hand, duffle bag in the other and plopped the key on the counter, turned, without saying a word and got into his car. It was a beater sports utility vehicle, rust and all. The engine turned with hesitation, and then finally roared to life. He backed out of the gravel lot and onto the two lane highway. He was gone. Away from all that was there, all that he had been through.

He drove and drove. He had no destination. Where ever he felt like stopping was going to be the place to stay until the next day. The man was tired. He had seen a lot of things in his 40 plus years of living, and as images of pain, suffering and losses in his life rushed through his memory while he continued driving, tears would come, and go; tears of anger and tears of sorrow. This was a man filled with pain; a pain that he so desperately tried running from, every day of his life. Yet, he could never escape it. It was always there.

He continued driving until he saw the complete cycle of the day. And as he needed nourishment, he spotted a roadside café and decided it was time for a break. The clunker shuttered to a stop in front of the building.

New Story....

Ive started a new piece. Dont have a title for it yet. Will post a few tidbits in a little bit.

Well then...there you have it...Karma...

Have you ever been right...and know it, but havent been recognized for it? You know, sorta like "Yeah, well I told you that bridge was going to collapse, and it did and now looked what happened.."(I know the bridge thing is a bit much). Yeah, you know what Im saying. People who are told things are going to happen and dont pay heed are helplessly lost. The you can dance around sayin "Neener Neener Neeeeener! I told you so, told you so...."...um...no....not really. On second thought....no. Dont do that. Why? Karma. Thats why. Karma, or God's way of saying "See, you did that after I told you not to...". The telling is the gut feeling you get "...maybe I shouldn't do this...nah! Its so much fun though! Wooo hoooo!!!!!" BAM! KARMA! In the face. In the gut. In the...well...you get the idea.

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Welcome to those who came over from Facebook, I hope you enjoy your stay. Please feel free to comment about anything on here. Peace!

I am worthy!

So, I have really been struggling with my faith lately. The main thing is confusion. Confusion over how we, children of God, are labeled, by ourselves, as "sinners",not worthy of God's love, but that he loves us anyway. I mean, I understand it, but I don't get why we, the "body", have to beat people over the head with depressing things like this. I mean, when someone you love is down on their luck, depressed, and having a really crappy life, the last thing you want to tell them is that they are no good and they will never be worthy of the love you may have for them. Right? I mean, that's a huge kick in the gut! So, we support and encourage until things turn around. Then it's back to the same old thing. "We are never going to be good enough...". Ok, define "good enough" and what chances do I have? According to this information, here is what I am hearing:

Read, pray and devote your life to God. But you aren't good enough for His love and attention, so you need to repent of everything you do, because you are a sinner no matter what(is that because we we were born?) then maybe He will forgive you, but you still wont be good enough for Him.

I feel as though I am in a competition with siblings for my parent's affection. That no matter what I do, or how I do it, I truly will not be worthy of God's love. And for a person who has never been shown what it's like to have true love, or to truly love, that's the kick in the gut. What's the point? Why bother? Why am I working so hard for something I will never obtain?

But if God truly loves me for who I am, then He is going to accept me for what I am. I know that I shouldn't place these kind of ultimatums with God, but no matter how hard I try to please Him, I fail. I am human. And I think God, who created this vast universe, would have the intelligence to say "You know, they are human, and they aren't going to be perfect, but I will love them now matter what. They are going to do things I don't like, but as long as they know that I am here, and that if I know that I am on their minds once in awhile, and if they do pray occasionally, they will always have my love and be worthy to be my children forever..."

I think we tend to bash ourselves for being human. I think we need to celebrate that we are human. I think we need to stop feeling so bad about this and know that God loves us no matter what we do(but there are guidelines you know). As long as we know who He is. What He has done for us.I am thinking I need to get over this "not worthy" business and get on with " You know what? He is my Father, I am his son. He loves me for no matter what I may have done." I AM WORTHY!

He Has Risen...

Well, folks, Easter is over. Candy is all but gone. Plastic grass in the cushions of the couch (well in ours anyways). The dresses and khaki's are hangin up. Hmmph. Time to sit and enjoy the quiet of a hectic day. Why is it hectic? Why are all of our holidays involving our Lord and Savior hectic? Why do we rush all over the place to get presents for Christ-mas? Only to stress over how much we spent on gifts. I ahev noticed that now, Easter is getting "present-y" too.

Today was to celebrate Christ's resurrection. Thats all. Not the Easter bunny. Not Peter Cottontail. That He has risen. To save all who believe. Without His love and forgiveness, we are truly lost.

Are you serious?

Thats been a phrase that has been sticking, and coming out of my mouth alot lately. When something doesnt quite go the way I want it to...Are you serious?..I mutter, sometimes out loud. And why is this? I think it's out of frustration: why cant things just go the way I want them to go? They never do. And I get tired of that. Is that selfish of me? Well, I know one aspect of my life that isnt where it was: my faith.I try and I try to get back into the swing of things, but I just cant. And what I mean by "swing of things" is the daily reading of scripture, praying, going to church. You know. Christian things. I stop and think; what has been happening in my life that has pulled me away? Well, Amanda's well being to begin with, is one. But I just dont have the drive I used to. Ham radio has rooted itself. I just dont know anymore.

Another thing has kinda got me thinking. God. I know He exists. I have spoken to Him and He to me. But, I feel as though He really isnt paying attention to me. Not that He has abandoned me, but like He is attending to others, and that I am good on my own. Well, Im not. But I dont want Him to intercede right now. I need to "let my hair down" so to speak. I am tired of trying to be "good" all the time. Im so used to be being "bad", it's hard for me to stay "good" (im using quotation marks because someone else's idea of good or bad may differ). Its been a struggle, and honestly, i feel that it has been all for nothing. I know better, or so Im told. I wasnt taught to love God the way I should when I was a kid, and now...thats hurting me, in more ways than I care to think about. Im not doubting my faith, Im not doubting God. All im saying is that Im tired. I need a break.

I start thinking of what God thinks of me not speaking to Him. I think I am treating Him like my parents, but Im not angry. I start thinking if I had grown up differently, I wouldnt be going through this right now. I keep thinking this is a phase. Ill come back, and God will welcome me back. I dont have any fears of not being able to come back; I know God loves me unconditionally. Period.

So where does that leave me? I dont know. Will I fond my way back home? I hope so. But until then, I will continue to do what I am doing. And I will still ask the question: Are you serious?

Why Is It...?

You're having a great day, things are going really smooth, there are some things you are really looking forward to, then WHAM! That one person. One miniscule bump in the roadway of life, blows out a tire on your red Ferrari. You were doing so well, cruising right along. I dont get it. Now I gotta gather up my things, figure out where I am and figure out how to get back to where I was.

Why do I even let something like this even bother me? I dont get it. Why is it...

Spring

Yup. Getting closer. That means more time outside. Cleaning the backyard(yuck). it also means a new beginning. I love Easter. It's a whole new time for me each year. I am so thankful. I cant describe it.

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