Are you serious?

Thats been a phrase that has been sticking, and coming out of my mouth alot lately. When something doesnt quite go the way I want it to...Are you serious?..I mutter, sometimes out loud. And why is this? I think it's out of frustration: why cant things just go the way I want them to go? They never do. And I get tired of that. Is that selfish of me? Well, I know one aspect of my life that isnt where it was: my faith.I try and I try to get back into the swing of things, but I just cant. And what I mean by "swing of things" is the daily reading of scripture, praying, going to church. You know. Christian things. I stop and think; what has been happening in my life that has pulled me away? Well, Amanda's well being to begin with, is one. But I just dont have the drive I used to. Ham radio has rooted itself. I just dont know anymore.

Another thing has kinda got me thinking. God. I know He exists. I have spoken to Him and He to me. But, I feel as though He really isnt paying attention to me. Not that He has abandoned me, but like He is attending to others, and that I am good on my own. Well, Im not. But I dont want Him to intercede right now. I need to "let my hair down" so to speak. I am tired of trying to be "good" all the time. Im so used to be being "bad", it's hard for me to stay "good" (im using quotation marks because someone else's idea of good or bad may differ). Its been a struggle, and honestly, i feel that it has been all for nothing. I know better, or so Im told. I wasnt taught to love God the way I should when I was a kid, and now...thats hurting me, in more ways than I care to think about. Im not doubting my faith, Im not doubting God. All im saying is that Im tired. I need a break.

I start thinking of what God thinks of me not speaking to Him. I think I am treating Him like my parents, but Im not angry. I start thinking if I had grown up differently, I wouldnt be going through this right now. I keep thinking this is a phase. Ill come back, and God will welcome me back. I dont have any fears of not being able to come back; I know God loves me unconditionally. Period.

So where does that leave me? I dont know. Will I fond my way back home? I hope so. But until then, I will continue to do what I am doing. And I will still ask the question: Are you serious?